Failure

I failed once! It's probably my biggest and worst failure! The one failure I think about and want to hit me so hard i won't feel any pain anymore! I failed to tell my father I loved him, I failed to make him proud, I failed to be the best daughter for the only 13 years we shared, I failed to make him happy, I failed. Now it's too late! And even though I know it is still possible to make him proud and happy...it will never be the same as making him happy and seeing his happy or proud facial expression. I saw him disappointed, I saw him mad at me...I cannot remember him being proud of me...That is why I cannot afford anymore failures...This pain is excruciating and exhausting! It's too hard for me to keep up! I try my best and I still cannot get where I want to go. Daddy I'm sorry. I try so hard but it still doesn't seem to be enough. I am weak. I don't have anymore power and will...all this work is tiring! I just wish you were here to reassure me because people can tell me that it'll be ok but I wish I could hear it from you! I wish I could have real father daughter relationship  The one you develop after your teen-ages  the realest, there is such a big part of my life that is missing, a piece of my heart that is bleeding, continuously...it won't stop bleeding...ever!
Why?! Why did I have to be born last...why did I have to lose you so early...why do I have to go through life without the ONE MAN who would love me unconditionally and indefinitely. Why? Why do I have to hurt? Why do I have to bleed?! Why the fuck do I have to feel like this when all I do is  TRY! All I do is try to be happy, try to be a model, try to be the best I can be! Try to be as perfect as I can be...I still bleed...it hurt...Even crying doesn't help...it makes it worse! I need you! Now more than ever! I'm sorry if my words are blasphemous but I WANT YOU BACK! Daddy I need you! It's too hard! I cannot possibly take this anymore! I am depressed every time I think of you...it shouldn't be like that! I'm mad at all those people who don't love their fathers or act like they don't exist! If only they knew... if only they knew daddy...
I am a strong person because every single day I fight these feelings but some times they just won't go away...today is one of those days. Daddy I don't want to fail anymore!

I mean,,,i'm a good person, at least I think I am...so why do I have to suffer!?
It hurts. More than I can explain.

I wish there was an off switch to the pain.
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