Failure

I failed once! It's probably my biggest and worst failure! The one failure I think about and want to hit me so hard i won't feel any pain anymore! I failed to tell my father I loved him, I failed to make him proud, I failed to be the best daughter for the only 13 years we shared, I failed to make him happy, I failed. Now it's too late! And even though I know it is still possible to make him proud and happy...it will never be the same as making him happy and seeing his happy or proud facial expression. I saw him disappointed, I saw him mad at me...I cannot remember him being proud of me...That is why I cannot afford anymore failures...This pain is excruciating and exhausting! It's too hard for me to keep up! I try my best and I still cannot get where I want to go. Daddy I'm sorry. I try so hard but it still doesn't seem to be enough. I am weak. I don't have anymore power and will...all this work is tiring! I just wish you were here to reassure me because people can tell me that it'll be ok but I wish I could hear it from you! I wish I could have real father daughter relationship  The one you develop after your teen-ages  the realest, there is such a big part of my life that is missing, a piece of my heart that is bleeding, continuously...it won't stop bleeding...ever!
Why?! Why did I have to be born last...why did I have to lose you so early...why do I have to go through life without the ONE MAN who would love me unconditionally and indefinitely. Why? Why do I have to hurt? Why do I have to bleed?! Why the fuck do I have to feel like this when all I do is  TRY! All I do is try to be happy, try to be a model, try to be the best I can be! Try to be as perfect as I can be...I still bleed...it hurt...Even crying doesn't help...it makes it worse! I need you! Now more than ever! I'm sorry if my words are blasphemous but I WANT YOU BACK! Daddy I need you! It's too hard! I cannot possibly take this anymore! I am depressed every time I think of you...it shouldn't be like that! I'm mad at all those people who don't love their fathers or act like they don't exist! If only they knew... if only they knew daddy...
I am a strong person because every single day I fight these feelings but some times they just won't go away...today is one of those days. Daddy I don't want to fail anymore!

I mean,,,i'm a good person, at least I think I am...so why do I have to suffer!?
It hurts. More than I can explain.

I wish there was an off switch to the pain.
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So I tried opening up...the result is not convincing! I am not the kind of person to be "correlated" to another (when that "other" is not someone I love)...Lol! I don't know if that makes sense but i'll try to break it down.

Right now I feel dull, I am not feeling like "SunShine" and that's because I am forcing myself to be "nice" to some people because it would be inconvenient not to. I don't like being the "bad girl" who breaks people's heart but neither do I want to be the nice and naive girl who gets her heart broken!
But then again, for a heart to be broken it has to be attached...which it is not! So in this situation I am just on the run to be the bad girl... Those moments when you wish you could go back in time...

I really need to be strong and straightforward because the longer I lie to myself, the harder it will be to finally admit the truth...I hate these situations but sometimes I guess you just need to be honest and don't give a fuck about the consequences because the "pain" it might cause now is definitely lower than the pain it will cause a month or a year from now.

I knew I was right! I knew I just should've kept all the focus on MY life at school!!! I lost track for a second and now I feel like i've been slacking! I am definitely not proud of my performances right now... I like my life to be structured, I like to know what I'm doing on what day at what time! I don't like spending time on the phone to hear and sometimes say irrelevant things! I want my life back! And I'm gonna get it! Being honest with myself and with others is what's going to get me what I want. I am not feeling like me at all these days and that SUCKS!!!!

“Most Men would rather deny a hard truth than face it.” I don't want to be "Most Men"

Short-term goal: GET MY LIFE BACK!